How To Deal With A Break Up – WHY They Broke Up With You
Hello, my name is Noah Elkrief. And in this video I’m going to talk about how to deal with a break up. More specifically, I’m going to explain why the other person broke up with you or cheated on you. This explanation is going to make you feel a lot better probably.
When someone breaks up with us, or they cheat on us, we automatically assume something is wrong with us, or something about us is not good enough for them. That creates a feeling of hurt. And it often creates anger towards them when we believe they did something wrong. So, there is some truth to idea that you aren’t good enough, but not the truth that you think it is.
The first step: Discover why you entered the relationship
In order to see why they broke up with you, or why they cheated on you, you first need to clearly understand why you were in the relationship, why you entered into the relationship in the first place, and why you stayed in the relationship. And the simple answer is because you believed it would make you happy.
What you want in life more than anything else is peace and happiness
Take a moment now, and just look for yourself, what do you want most in life? What do you want more than anything else? What is the number one most important thing to you in life? And you may come up with different answers like success, wealth, love, marriage, relationship, or something like that. But now let me ask you a follow up question – how do you hope to feel when you get what you want? Well, you hope that it will make you feel peaceful, happy, whole, sufficient, right?
The truth is that the most important thing to you, what you want more than anything else is just peace and happiness. To not suffer from anxiety, insecurities, worry, anger, resentment, all that sort of stuff. You just want to live in peace, that’s it. And you have all these different ideas of what will bring you peace.
You enter into a relationship just because you hope it will make you happy
You may think what I want most is a relationship, marriage, kids, or whatever. But that is not what you want most, that is the means to get you what you want.
For example, you may think you really want ice cream in a given moment. You don’t want ice cream, you want the feeling you hope ice cream will give you – pleasure. You think you want the ice cream, but you really just want the pleasure. If the ice cream didn’t give you pleasure, you wouldn’t want it. So the same is true for your relationships – you enter into a relationship for one purpose and only one, to make you happy. That is it. Look for yourself.
If I gave you two options – be in a relationship and be worried, angry, fighting, insecure all the time, or be single and be happy and in peace and feel whole. Not saying those are your only options, I’m just saying, if those were your two only options, which would you choose? Well, it’s an easy choice, isn’t it? You choose peace and single over suffering and a relationship. That proves that what you really want is peace, not a relationship. Relationship is the means. Okay?
The role of your romantic partner is “the one to make me happy”
Now that you see you entered into a relationship to make you happy, another way to look at it is as though you basically had a job opening. I am looking for the one to make me happy. That’s what you’re doing. It may seem a little harsh, but it’s the truth. You entered into a relationship looking for someone, some candidate to fill the job opening for the one to make me happy.
If someone fails at doing their job, we fire them
If you have a romantic partner in order to make you happy, and they fail, they don’t make you happy, then you would fire them, dismiss them, break up with them, wouldn’t you? If you’re entering into a relationship to make you happy and it makes you less happy, it makes you unhappy, of course you get rid of them. They’re in your life for one purpose – to make you happy.
You may have an idea, “No, I’m in the relationship because I just want to make them happy.” But if you look closely at that, you really just want to make them happy, so that they will love you, so that you can feel “Yay, I’m loveable, I am worthy.” Or so that you can think “I am capable of making someone happy” or “I am good for making someone happy”. Do you see what I mean? When you believe somebody else loves you, it gives you proof or evidence that you are okay, worthy, likeable, or loveable in some way. So you think that you’re trying to make them happy, but you’re only trying to make them happy to make you happy. That is it.
In the relationship, you really wanted to make yourself happy, that’s why you were in it, that’s why you hired this other person, to make you happy. And if they don’t fulfill the role, if they don’t satisfy the job description, the one to make me happy, you fire them.
Did they fulfill their role and make you happy? No.
Did they meet the requirements of the job description? The one to make me happy. When you were in the relationship, did you not have worries about whether they love you, did you not have judgments about them, did you not have anxiety about the future? Did you not have judgments and arguments? Did you not still have insecurities about your personality, your looks, your job? Did you not still have anxiety and issues in your work? Did you not still have sadness, disappointment, everything else that you started with before you went through the relationship? Of course you did, of course you had all this suffering while you were in the relationship. It didn’t give you peace, contentment, satisfaction, freedom, or any of that stuff.
Why relationships lead to some happiness
What the relationship gave you is moments of pleasure, and moments of suffering. And just the general, broad sense of lack in between, right? Just look – yes, there was moments of pleasure, you had so much fun together. But then you went right back to the thoughts that create your anxiety, worry, shame, all that other stuff. Right? So what happens is when you’re in a relationship, you get some positive thoughts out of it – it means I’m worthy, I’m loveable, it means my life isn’t missing something because at least I’m not single.
It gives you excitement, which most people refer to as love. Excitement about the future – “I finally found the one to make me happy”. But that’s not love, that’s a thought about the future.
Why the relationship itself didn’t make you happy
When you’re entertained, then your attention isn’t on your thoughts, so you’re happy. But if the other person actually was making you happy, factually, then at any moment you were with them, you would have no choice but to be happy. But that’s not the case, is it? At some moments you’re with them, you’re happy, and at some moments when you’re with them, you’re not, it depends on what thoughts are in your head.
A relationship can’t make you happy
Here’s the killer question, the number one most important question – can a significant other, can another person delete the thoughts in your head? In other words, can another human being make you peaceful and happy? You see, when we ask the question, “What can make me happy?” We look at happiness as if it is something given to us, likes it a layer, if I just find the right sweater to put on, then I’ll be happy. If I just find the right person, the right something, it will give me happiness as if happiness is external.
But we need to reverse the question, “What makes me unhappy?” And that is very simply, thoughts. Thoughts create worries about others’ opinions. Thoughts create anxiety about the future, thoughts create anger, resentment, sadness, insecurity, shame and everything in between. Jealousy, envy, you name it, it’s all thoughts. So when you’re asking can another human being make me happy, what you’re really asking is, can another human being delete all the thoughts in my head? Or any of them perhaps. No, it can’t.
If you believe a thought that says, “My life is insufficient because I’m single,” then when you enter a relationship, yes, you will lose that thought. But now you will have new thoughts that worry about losing them, that worry about if they still love you, that worry about if they’re with somebody else. It’s not like being in a relationship can give you the happiness and peace that you want. Do you see that? It’s very important to see that.
They broke up with you because you couldn’t make them happy
So now, back to the main question – why did they break up with you, why did they cheat on you? Well, you entered the relationship to make you happy, they were a tool to make you happy, they were filling the job opening to make you happy. And every human being is the same in that way, or at least every human being I have come into contact with, which is a decent amount at this time. So why did they enter the relationship? To make themselves happy, that is all. That is why they entered into it, to make themselves happy. So why would they leave? Why would they cheat? There is only one reason – they are not happy or at peace. They are not. If they were, they wouldn’t leave, if they were, they wouldn’t cheat, right?
You couldn’t make them happy because you are a human being – not because you aren’t good enough
So you think, “Oh no, that means I’m not good enough. I couldn’t make them happy.” And that is true, you couldn’t make them happy, but neither can any human being. You think there’s something insufficient about you, wrong about you, lacking about you, that you couldn’t fulfill them or make them happy. Nobody can make somebody else happy, because nobody can delete the thoughts in somebody else’s head.
You see, we think that the job of a partner, the job of a boyfriend, girlfriend, a husband or a wife is to make the other person happy, and if you fail at that, you’re insufficient, wrong, something, right? But that’s not true. It is a job that’s doomed for failure. If someone enters into a relationship with you, hoping that you can make them happy, you are doomed for failure. You will never succeed at that, how could you? All you can do is give them a nice distraction, give them some fun.
They’re still going to go back to all their other thoughts, their insecurities, their shame, their lack, their problems at their job, all their judgments about you because you’re not going to match every definition of perfect they have in their head. There will always be things that they think is wrong, and even if you were perfect in every way according to them, and even if you were, made them so unbelievably happy when you were together, then they’re going to have bigger anxiety about losing you, bigger worries about whether you’re cheating, bigger worries about everything in regards to the relationship, right? Which means they aren’t happy, which means they need escape, they need to escape their thoughts.
They broke up with you because they believe the “right” human being should be able to make them happy
For most people, if they are in a relationship, and they are not at peace, they assume something is wrong with the relationship. They assume that their romantic partner is not good enough at sex, they’re not good enough at talking to me, they don’t appreciate me enough, they don’t respect me enough, they don’t, they’re not fun enough, they’re not something enough. They just assume they’re not happy because something is insufficient about the other person, they’re not the right fit, something is wrong. So we go from guy to guy, girl to girl, hoping the next one will be the right one to make me happy. It’s really a joke, we never realize, “Wait, I’m not addressing the thoughts in my head. I’m looking to another human being to delete my own thoughts that I’m not even willing to look at.”
They broke up with you because they don’t realize thoughts make them unhappy
So, why did they leave you? Because you couldn’t delete the thoughts in their head, you couldn’t eliminate all the thoughts that made them unhappy. And nobody can, nobody can. It’s impossible. So if they cheat on you with somebody else, you think, “Oh, it must be because they’re better, more beautiful, more something.” But, they cheat on you for one simple person, they have this illogical belief that says “Sex will make me happy, or being with somebody else will make me happy. This person can’t make me happy, I need to go to somebody else.”
It’s true, you can’t make them happy, but eventually you have to recognize, nobody can. And so they left you because you were not good enough to make them happy, yes, it’s true. But nobody is good enough to make them happy. Nobody is good enough to make you happy.
A relationship can’t make you happy
If you’re really honest about the relationship, you will see, they didn’t give you peace and happiness. They gave you moments of pleasure, but so can watching TV, a movie, listening to a new song, eating ice cream. Anything can give you moments of pleasure, but that is not what you want most. What you want is peace, freedom, happiness, lightness, wholeness, to feel complete, to stop worrying, anxiety, stress, anger, sadness, all this other stuff. That’s what you want, not a relationship.
And that doesn’t mean you can’t have a relationship, of course you can have a relationship, there’s no harm in it whatsoever. But if you’re using the relationship to make you happy, you’re just going to fail, and you’re just going to get angry at the other person or thinking something’s wrong with you, because it doesn’t work. Ever. You can be happy in a relationship, you just can’t go to a relationship and succeed in making you happy from the relationship. Right? Because it can’t delete the thoughts in your head.
How to deal with a break up?
So how to deal with the breakup? Discover that it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. Discover that the relationship never gave you what you wanted. I hope that this blog about how to deal with a break up was helpful for you.
If you would like more personalized help with your situation, I would be happy to help you to quickly get over your breakup through a 1-on-1 Skype session. To learn more, you’re welcome to click the following link: