The 2nd most common reason for why you might be thinking about someone is because they broke up with you
In order to understand why you think about someone after they break up with you, you need to understand what happens when someone breaks up with you. Basically, when someone breaks up with you, you decide 2 things: 1) They must think I am not good enough. 2) If they think I am not good enough, I must not be good enough or there must be something wrong with me.
This causes our opinion of ourselves to worsen. For example, we might go from thinking “I am attractive” to “I must not be very attractive” or “I am somewhat loveable” to “I am not worthy of love”. When our opinion of ourselves worsens, it has 2 major effects on our emotional experience. 1) We experience the feeling of being hurt or broken hearted. 2) We have less confidence, and feel worse about ourselves, which makes us less happy.
Clearly, we don’t want to feel this way. And since it was their opinion of us (their breaking up with us) that made us think less of ourselves, we want them to take us back and love us because we unconsciously believe that this will help us think more positively about ourselves again. In other words, we unconsciously think it will make us happy, even if we know on some level that we weren’t actually happy when we were with them.
An example to help you understand why you think about someone that broke up with you
If we are in a relationship, and our partner says “I love you” to us over and over again, it may help us to think “I am loveable”. If our partner then breaks up with us, we may then think “I am unloveable” because our partner was a big reason for why we believed “I am loveable”. Believing “I am unloveable” makes us feel sad and hurt.
Since we don’t want to think “I am unloveable”, we unconsciously look for a way to believe “I am loveable” again. Generally, we are presented with 2 options for how to do this: a) Find someone new to love you. b) Get the old person to love you again. If we find someone new to love us, we are still left with that lingering belief that if our old partner doesn’t love us, then we must not be worthy of love. Therefore, we unconsciously believe that the key to our happiness is to have our old partner love us and want to be with us again. In other words, if we get our old partner to love us, we unconsciously believe that this will make us feel worthy of love again and therefore make us happy.
An easier way to stop thinking about the person that broke up with you
Let’s quickly examine the beliefs that make us unhappy when someone breaks up with us. When someone breaks up with us, we often unconsciously believe “If they think I am not good enough, I must not be good enough or there must be something wrong with me.” This is what causes our sadness, hurt, and loss of confidence.
Since we think that our unhappiness is directly created by being broken up with, and aren’t aware of the true cause of our suffering, we naturally try to win our ex-partner’s love in order to make ourselves feel good again. But, if we can see that our suffering is actually created by thoughts (i.e. believing our ex-partner’s opinion to be true), then it becomes much easier to become happy again. Instead of needing to change our ex-partner’s opinion in order to make ourselves feel better, we can just discover that their opinion isn’t true to make ourselves feel better. Once you feel better about yourself, you will naturally stop thinking about your ex-partner because you no longer need them to love you for you to be happy.
To be happy now, discover that your ex-partner’s opinion about you isn’t true
Just because one person thinks you aren’t good enough, does that mean it is true? Is it possible that there are many people that would want to be in a relationship with you? If so, is this one person’s opinion somehow more valid than everyone else’s opinion? Does it exist as a fact that you’re not good enough? Where does “not good enough” or “something is wrong with me” exist? Can you see it, touch it, hold it, show it off to people? Or does it only exist as a thought?
Can you see how it is not true that you ARE “not good enough” or that there IS “something wrong with you”? If you can truly see this, then you don’t need to get your ex-partner to love you again in order to make you feel happy with yourself. And if you don’t need your ex-partner’s love to feel happy, then you will have no reason to think about them.
If this feels relevant for you, you can find a lot more exercises, tactics, and explanation for this situation in the following blog post: How to heal a broken heart. That will help you to stop thinking about the person you have been thinking about.
Thanks for reading
I hope that this helped you stop thinking about the person that broke up with you. Please let me know if you have any questions.