You Have Nothing To Fear:
As I work with people, or even as I watch TV (especially “The Bachelor”), I constantly see that people are scared to open up, and scared to love because they fear getting hurt or fear that the other person will “break their heart”.
We all want to love and be open but this fear of rejection and hurt is just so strong that it can often be very difficult for us to love. The purpose of this blog post is to show you that you have absolutely nothing to fear. This way, you can be free to love.
Why You Are Afraid Of Rejection
When you are fearing that someone will emotionally hurt you, you are inherently believing that someone else has the power to emotionally hurt you. So why do we believe this? Well it seems that this is just a fact based on our experiences in the past. But, let’s look at it a little more closely.
When someone compliments you, how do you normally feel? You will generally experience some happiness, pleasure or comfort. Since you feel this way when someone compliments you, you naturally form the conclusion that the other person’s compliment created this feeling. When someone insults you or rejects you, how do you normally feel? You will generally feel sad, angry, hurt, or ashamed. Since these feelings come immediately after the insult or rejection, you naturally form the conclusion that your feeling was created by the insult or rejection.
So I understand that it absolutely seems as though our unwanted feelings are created by others and their actions and comments… But if we break it down, we might come to a completely different conclusion.
Let’s Look at 2 Hypotheticals
I would like you to take a moment to imagine a stranger who you believe is really untrustworthy. For example, you might think of a homeless person, a salesman, a politician, a teenager, or anyone else. Now imagine you are walking down the street, and this type of stranger approaches you and says “You are so amazing, smart, caring, and kind. I love you”. How do you think you would feel in that moment? You probably wouldn’t feel much at all… maybe a little pleasure.
Now, imagine that you have been dating someone for a few months, and you think that you are falling in love with them. But you are not really sure how your partner feels about you. Then, your partner says “You are so amazing, smart, caring, and kind. I love you”. How do you think you would feel in that moment? You would probably feel a really strong joy and pleasure.
Why Would You Have Different Reactions To The Exact Same Words?
Let’s analyze the situation. The facts are that two people spoke the exact same words to you. If the words themselves created an emotional response, then you would have experienced the same emotional response in both situations. But yet that’s not what would have happened. Only one of their comments would have emotionally affected you.
So what’s the difference between these two situations? The only difference is that you wouldn’t believe the comment in one of the situations, but you would believe it in the other situation. Since the stranger had never interacted with you before, you wouldn’t believe their words, comment, or opinion. On the other hand, since your partner had spent a lot of time with you, you would believe their words or opinion about you to be true.
What this indicates is that when you believe someone’s words, it creates an emotion. But when you don’t believe someone’s words, those same words don’t have the power to create an emotion.
To put it a little differently, when we believe someone’s positive comment about us, it slightly improves our opinion (thoughts) of ourselves, and that is what creates the corresponding feeling of pleasure. If we don’t believe someone else’s comment about us, then it won’t have the power to change our opinion of ourselves, and therefore the comment won’t emotionally affect us.
The only way that someone’s compliment can impact us is if we believe that what they say about us is true. What this shows us is that other people don’t have the power to emotionally affect us. Others’ words and opinions do not create our emotions. Our emotions are only created by our own action of believing words to be true.
What Would Happen If A Stranger Rejected You?
Please take a moment to imagine a stranger whose opinion you are highly unlikely to trust (e.g. a homeless person, politician, salesman, or teenager). Now, imagine that you are walking down the street, and then this random untrustworthy stranger approaches you on the street and tells you, “You’re unworthy of love”. What do you think your emotional reaction would be?
Their comment might annoy you a little, but would it seriously emotionally affect you? Would it make you feel hurt and broken hearted? No, almost certainly not. Why not? Since the stranger doesn’t know you, you wouldn’t believe their opinion about you, which means that it wouldn’t worsen your opinion of yourself, and therefore the negative comment (opinion/words) wouldn’t create a serious emotional impact.
Breaking Down The Scenario You Fear
Imagine that you have been dating someone for a few years, and you think you love them, and then they tell you, “You’re unworthy of love”. How do you think that would emotionally affect you? You are likely to feel seriously hurt.
At first glance it would seem as though your partner’s rejection or insult created your feeling of hurt. But, let’s look at it more closely. If the same exact words were said to you by a stranger, and those words wouldn’t create the feeling of hurt, then the words themselves can’t be what creates your feeling of hurt.
The only reason you would feel hurt when you hear the words “You’re not worthy of love” is if you believe these words to be true. Since your partner has spent a lot of time with you, and maybe played a role in helping you to believe “I am worthy of love”, when they say “You’re unworthy of love”, you are much more likely to believe their comment/opinion.
Once you believe their words or their opinion to be true, that makes you have more negative thoughts about yourself. In other words, believing their negative opinion about you would worsen your opinion of yourself. And when your opinion of yourself worsens, you experience the feeling of being hurt. This feeling is also what we call a “broken heart”.
It’s not your partner who created this feeling of hurt; it’s not the rejection that created your hurt, and it’s not even their opinion that created it. If the opinion, “You’re unworthy of love”, directly created your feeling of hurt, then the stranger’s opinion would have had the same emotional impact on you as your partner’s opinion. Your hurt was created simply by your belief – your thought – that their opinion is true.
Getting Rejected Can’t Hurt You
Generally when you get rejected or someone breaks up with you, your partner won’t say “You’re unworthy of love”, but rather, we actually just guess what they think about us, and then we believe our assumption of their opinion to be true. For example, if someone breaks up with you, you might think (guess) “he must think I’m not good enough” and then you think “If he thinks I’m not good enough, then I must not be good enough or there must be something wrong with me”.
The rejection wouldn’t create your hurt. It is your thoughts about it that makes you feel hurt. When you believe someone’s negative opinion about you (regardless of whether they said it to you or you’re just guessing), it simply changes your thoughts about yourself. When your thoughts about yourself worsen, you will feel hurt and suffer.
When someone rejects you (or insults you), they are essentially handing you a knife. When you believe their opinion about you to be true, you are cutting yourself with the knife. You don’t need to fear the knife. The knife itself is no problem… the rejection is no problem.
What This All Means: Nobody Can Hurt You
So why is it important to understand this distinction? What this all means is that nobody can hurt you. Only you can hurt you. You don’t feel hurt because someone has a negative opinion about you, you feel hurt because you believe their opinion to be true. You don’t feel hurt because someone stops loving you or rejects you, you feel hurt because of what you think that means about you.
This means you don’t have to fear others’ opinions of you, and you don’t have to fear that others will reject you or stop loving you. Nobody’s actions or words can affect you or make you feel hurt. Only your thoughts can do that.
That means you are free to love without any fear of others rejecting you. You can stop for a moment now and just really let that sink in.
What if someone rejects you?
You don’t have to fear rejection because rejection can’t hurt you. But, at this point, if you get rejected, you will probably believe your thoughts about it and then feel hurt. The purpose of this post is to show you that you don’t have fear the rejection… you basically just have to fear your own thoughts. But if you don’t want your thoughts to make you feel hurt when someone rejects you, the only thing you have to do is stop believing your thoughts that decide others’ words and opinions about you are true. That’s it. Then you are free.
If you want to know how to stop feeling hurt, and how to stop believing someone else’s negative opinion about you, that will be addressed in the next video blog post. If you would like to make sure you get to see the blog post when I post it, please just put in your email address below and subscribe to the blog.
Thanks for reading. Please let me know your reaction to this post in the comments area below.