What You Really Want:
In this blog post, I am going to explain why you don’t want to BE loved, and that you actually want TO love. In other words, why the feeling you want in life doesn’t come from receiving someone’s love, but actually from giving love.
The Desire To Be Loved Makes You Unhappy
When we think that we want someone to love us and that someone’s love will make us happy, we go through life with a lot of suffering. Here are some of the main ways:
- These thoughts make us feel lacking and as though something is missing from our lives because we think that we don’t have the love that we need to be happy.
- We feel anxiety and fear that we will never find someone to love us
- The constant searching for someone to love us takes up a lot of mental energy and makes this moment thoroughly unenjoyable.
- We worry about what to do, what to say, and what to wear in order to get someone to love us.
- When we find someone to love us (i.e. get into a relationship or marriage), then we often worry about whether they still love us.
- When we believe that receiving love will make us happy, and we are in a relationship but don’t feel fulfilled, then we conclude that our partner must not love us enough. This creates feelings of disappointment, lack, and resentment.
Going through life with the belief that someone’s love can make us happy is clearly very unenjoyable and causes a tremendous amount of suffering.
The Simple Truth
The funny thing is… this pursuit of love is all created by a simple misunderstanding. The misunderstanding is that the feeling that you want in life is created by receiving love. When, in fact, this feeling that you want is actually created by giving love. Now, I would like to give you a few examples and hypotheticals to show you how this is true.
An Example To Show You How You Can’t Feel Someone’s Love
Imagine that you are in a wonderful relationship where you love your partner and they love you. It feels amazing. You feel great. And you think that your great and happy feeling is directly created by your partner loving you so much. You feel their love and that’s what’s making you happy.
Now imagine that your best friend tells you that she saw your partner cheating on you with her own eyes. She watched it happen. So you believe her. You confront your partner, they say that they didn’t cheat and that they still love you, but you don’t believe them at all.
How do you feel in that moment? Do you feel happy? Do you feel your partner’s love? No, absolutely not. In that moment, you would probably feel hurt, sad, disappointed, and any other possible mix of unhappiness.
Lastly, imagine that a week later, you find out that your partner did not cheat on you. Your best friend saw someone that looked similar to your partner, but she made a mistake. It turns out, that your partner always loved you, and they loved you the same amount in the past week as they always have. So, if your partner loved you the same amount in the past week as they always have, why wouldn’t you have felt their love? They loved you so much over the last week, but yet you would have felt incredibly unhappy and wouldn’t have felt their love at all.
If Your Partner Loves You, But You Don’t Feel It, What Does That Mean?
If the nice feeling and happiness you experienced during your relationship was directly created by your partner’s love for you, then you would have continued to experience these feelings over the last week. If your partner’s love created a specific nice feeling for you, and your partner loved you the same amount in the last week as they always have, then you would have continued to experience this feeling. But, that is almost certainly not what would have happened.
Rather, as soon as you begin to think “they don’t love me”, you stop feeling their love. If all it takes to stop feeling someone’s love is to think “they don’t love me”, then you never felt their love. You only felt your thoughts about their love.
We know that a flame creates heat because even if I think “this flame is not hot”, I will continue to experience the heat. Therefore, if you could directly experience someone’s love, you would continue to feel their love even if you think “they don’t love me”.
Please take a moment to let that sink in. That is a big statement. It is a radical statement, and it goes against everything we have been taught. But, if you are willing to look at this honestly, it becomes very, very clear that you can’t feel someone else’s love.
You Can Feel “Love” Even When Your Partner Doesn’t Love You
Let me give you another example to demonstrate how you can’t feel someone’s love. You may have experienced this example in your life, or you may have witnessed it on some reality TV show.
Imagine that you are in relationship and you think that you are in love, and that you feel the other person’s love. And it feels so great and wonderful. You believe that the reason why you feel this wonderful feeling is because you finally found someone who loves you.
Then, a few months later, you find out that your partner didn’t love you. They were just using you, and had been cheating on you the whole time.
This happens all the time. It is an incredibly common scenario. So what would was that wonderful feeling you had during your relationship? Why did you feel so great? If they didn’t love you, then you couldn’t have been feeling their love.
What Causes The Feeling That You Think Is Love?
So what would cause your wonderful feelings in a relationship where your partner doesn’t love you? It could be many different things.
- The thought “they love me” helps you to unconsciously think “I am loveable” and that makes you feel better about yourself.
- The thought “I finally found someone to make me happy” eliminates the sense of lack that you had.
- The thought “We are going to be so happy together” creates excitement.
- The thought “We are going to stay together” eliminates the anxiety that you had about the possibility of never finding someone to love you.
- Being in a relationship eliminates the thought “I shouldn’t be single”, which causes shame.
- Spending time with someone distracts you from the thoughts that make you unhappy
- You may have had a lot of fun together, and enjoyed their company.
- And you may have felt your love for them.
The Feeling That You Want Comes From Loving Others
Ultimately, the feeling that we all want in life, the feeling that we are constantly yearning for doesn’t come from receiving someone else’s love simply because you can’t feel someone’s love. The feeling that we all want actually comes from loving others. That’s it. That is the feeling that we want, that is the love that we want. Everything we hoped to feel in life comes from the love that we give, not from the love that we receive.
When we are with people, and we love them, it feels wonderful. We feel free, we feel happy, we feel whole. There is absolutely no suffering that comes from loving others. Absolutely none. It is completely independent of everything.
So when we are with someone and we love them, when we have no judgments about them, when we give them our complete attention, we are with them without wanting anything from them, then we get everything we have ever been yearning for in life. It is complete satisfaction and contentment. Loving others just feels so great.
You probably already know this. You might have had this experience at some point or another. If you are a parent, you might have had this feeling when your child was born. You were just filled with immense love. It is not as if you felt your baby’s love for you, you felt your love for your child.
If All You Want Is To Love, Then You Can Relax
All we want is to love, not to receive love. So you can stop worrying about whether you have love from your partner, you can stop worrying about whether you will ever find someone to love you, and instead you can focus on the feeling that you actually want, which is to love others.
And you don’t have to limit your love to just one person. You don’t have to limit your love to just your partner, your child, or your family. You can love anybody. You can love anyone that you interact with. You can even love anything… but we will save that for another day.
I hope you understood what I was talking about. I love you.